"But ah'm not afraid of dyin'. Cause I know that when I get to heaven there are gonna be these wonderful trees, and ah'm gonna climb them. But you know what? Instead of leaves and flowers, those trees are gonna have fried eggs, and delicious Virginia ham, and big heaping bowls of biscuits and sausage gravy. And one day, Sammy, you're gonna meet me there, and we're gonna climb those breakfast trees together, and it's gonna be delicious and we're gonna be happy until the end of time."


Everything I Need To Know I Learned At The Titty Bar

So much to cover, and it's so late, but I can't let the non-posting continue a day longer, because the blog gods keep throwing entirely eventful days at me to punish me for my absence, and I'm getting more and more behind. I think I'll just share a few nuggets of wisdom I've picked up in the past few weeks or so.

I'm not sure why there aren't more strip clubs that have naked women on one side and (sorta) naked men on the other, but if you can find one, I highly recommend going with a large group of people, and if you can, be sure to pile in to the bed of a truck for the ride home, right in front of the door man and the valets, because the Easter eve is a slow night for them, and they could use a laugh.

Enter ridiculously low prices for three-star hotels in large cities into Priceline. You may be pleasantly suprised with a two-room suite for $65. Split between four friends.

Allow approximately 8 hours for each trip to IKEA. Take notes. Drink plenty of fluids. Use the yellow bag judiciously.

If you're on a medication that screws with your brain and also at Six Flags, and it is Easter so there are no lines to settle your stomach in between, please don't do Batman, The MindBender and the swings in rapid succession. And definitely don't do it in front of all your friends.

Always have a flashlight in your car. When your car dies and you spend a week trying to figure out how to get a new one and you think you've transferred everything you might need from the old one to the one you bought off your brother that's been sitting in his carport for the last few months, make sure you put the flashlight in the new car. A wrench and a screwdriver wouldn't kill you either.

Never trust the oil-change guy. Check the fluids again. The only thing they check is the box that says they checked the fluids.

If you ever break down in Otto, NC at 4:30 on Friday afternoon of Easter weekend, take it to Chuck Shirley. He's good people.

If you are ever presented the opportunity to see Rump Posse or Contraband in concert, do it.

And one I stole from Adam, if the above opportunity presents itself, the 50 cent earplugs at the bar do not, in fact, make you look like a square. And I apologize.